The first three years of my life in Aruba were not that WOW. It followed with more struggles, more cries, and more discouragements. Do not get me wrong. Life is also good at some points but those years were the difficult ones.
I didn’t have a good relationship with my first employers. It is not easy for me to talk about it but here I go reminiscing about my past life here. Working for them had taught me a lot of things, but at the same time, it lowered my self-esteem.
I was at the point of not seeing any self-worth. I felt dumb and like nothing. It was a terrible feeling ever.
“NO ONE WILL ACCEPT YOU” one of the lines my employer had released to me. And I lived with it for few years. Believing that no one will ever accept me.
I have never felt so lonely, and so down all my life. They were the years where all my strength was drowning without anyone noticing them.
I tried to look fine and happy whenever I meet people. It wasn’t easy for me to show what I really feel because I was afraid to be judged. They know me as this lady who is so deep in the knowledge of God, a worshiper, and a faithful servant of God.
Well, let me tell you this. I am also a human who can feel any of the feelings and emotions felt by all mankind.
Years kept going and the depression kept rising up. I was so busy looking down on myself. It is difficult to find my purpose here.
I wanted to go home. But I was stuck.
I didn’t have enough money to go back home. Also, I didn’t want to go home losing the battle. Still, that little part in my brain telling me to keep going. And a still small voice whispering the opposite of what I felt. “
“You are loved.”
Unwanted.
During those years, I felt unwanted and unworthy. There were no good things about me. Well, that’s what I thought. I was just that dumb person who feel useless. No matter how I tried to please them, I was still the worse one.
I was ignored quite a few times. I felt like they were talking about me.
Are they talking negatively about me? Are they laughing about me? My thoughts.
I attended one new year’s eve,(I can still the pain when I think about it), someone ignored me. She hugged the one next to me and exchanging a ‘happy new year’ to each other. One was coming to us to greet us, she also said hi to that person. And I was just standing there ignored the whole time. The whole evening.
I wanted to her to like me. That night was very awkward and painful at the same time. It felt uncomfortable but I didn’t have much choice at the moment but to just endure it.
As soon as I get home, the tears from my eyes immediately fell like the water from the faucet. My eyes weren’t the only ones in pain because of crying excessively, but also my heart.
Most especially my heart. What was wrong with me?
All I wanted was to be wanted. Because I know, even I had low-self esteem at that time, I know that I wasn’t a bad person.
Life was hard.
From my employer, telling me that no one will ever accept me to someone who ignored me, and made me feel unwanted was already too much for me.
As years passing, there were some issues also with family. Overwhelmed with all the things going on and kept piling up. I just couldn’t handle them. Or I didn’t know-how. They’re just too much for me.
I wanted to escape. Like, live somewhere where no one knows you. To begin your life without anyone but you. After all, that’s all I felt. ALONE.
I dwell on the thoughts that no one will ever like me. I think there was something wrong with me. Anxieties, extreme sadness, and depression were all over me. I didn’t want to get up.
I felt that my world was shaken. It actually did.
UNTIL ONE DAY…
A voice was telling me to pick myself up together. This is enough. I had to do something.
Journaling and blogging became my escape. It helped me so much to heal myself from within. I would let my thoughts out freely. At the same time, helped me to know myself better. Journaling or blogging is my expression of my own self.
The Lord had shown me once again that HE could make impossible things possible when God had allowed me to travel to the US, and finally see Mum again.
The Time Has Come
Congratulations! Your Visa Has Been Approved. Reading this line had brought my heart so much joy. I called this a monster blessing. It’s the American dream! HAHA
The experience I had, had made me want to go back to the Philippines. But the Lord didn’t let that happened because he wants to give me the best and this unexpected blessing. They are unexpected but planned. Planned by God.
I get a chance to travel to different states in the US. And I thank God for that, He has so many surprises for me after years of pain:
God’s Surprise overwhelmed me in a very amazing way. I get to check some on my bucket list such as going to Disney World, to see Jollibee again, experienced Solar Eclipse, attended a concert of one of my favorite worship leaders-Kari Jobe, and a lot of travel.
My heart was ecstatic to receive all these blessings. It was such a relief. I was full of joy. I couldn’t explain it. For a moment I forgot everything I went through and just enjoy the times of refreshing and rest.
It is something like God telling me “Enjoy the things I have prepared for you”
UNSHAKEN
The feeling of being of unwanted is somehow true and sometimes not. I can easily discern when someone doesn’t like me. I thank God for that. But sometimes it is all in our head.
The voice that kept telling me the opposite thoughts I had was from HIM. It’s always been HIM. I have loved you with an everlasting love. He is not against me. He doesn’t rejoice on my pain. But instead, He was there with me during the pains.
God didn’t leave me, He was there with me all this time. I needed to go through all of those struggles in life so I could experience the better picture of His plan.
I needed to feel the pain of being ignored for me to feel the embrace of God telling me he is always there for me no matter what. That he accepts me as I am. That I do not need to prove anything to be liked and be loved, because He had loved me from the very beginning of time.
People, won’t see those tears from my eyes but He had seen them. He had heard my prayers and my cries.
You may feel unwanted and unworthy. But be unshaken. These thoughts and feelings are not true. God wants you. You are worthy!
Thank God I didn’t give up
If I gave up those first years living here in Aruba, I would have not married a great man, and would not see my daughter’s smile, hear her giggles. I won’t be able to travel to the US.
I believed the words my first employer for three years. No one will ever accept you.
Fast forward…
I have a job right now who appreciates me. I sent my resignation letter one time for some reason, but the HR manager and the general manager took their time to talk to me, convincing me to stay.
Final Words
I know this is getting long. If you are still reading at this point, I really appreciate you.
Do not let any hurtful words define you neither control you. I’ve wasted years believing that I am not good enough. The truth is there are so many good things in us. We couldn’t see them because we are busy looking at our lacking.
If someone treats you badly and you just stay calm and nice, It is not you who has the problem. It is them. So do not be too hard on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up by the negative thoughts running through your head.
This article was inspired by our online devotion from YouVersion Bible. We were encouraged to write about the last time your world felt shaken. The devotion was based on Acts 16:27-33 where an unexpected earthquake ripped through the prison walls and the doors were banged open. Prisoners escaped except Paul and Silas.
Acts 16:25-33 Contemporary English Version 25 About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing praises to God, while the other prisoners listened. 26 Suddenly a strong earthquake shook the jail to its foundations. The doors opened, and the chains fell from all the prisoners. 27 When the jailer woke up and saw that the doors were open, he thought that the prisoners had escaped. He pulled out his sword and was about to kill himself. 28 But Paul shouted, “Don’t harm yourself! No one has escaped.” 29 The jailer asked for a torch and went into the jail. He was shaking all over as he knelt down in front of Paul and Silas. 30 After he had led them out of the jail, he asked, “What must I do to be saved?” 31 They replied, “Have faith in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved! This is also true for everyone who lives in your home.” 32 Then Paul and Silas told him and everyone else in his house about the Lord. 33 While it was still night, the jailer took them to a place where he could wash their cuts and bruises. Then he and everyone in his home were baptized.
They stayed so the glory of God will be revealed.
God has shown me where He was in the midst of my mess.
While writing this,my tears kept shedding. I asked my husband to read this and tell me what he thinks. He hugged me afterward and tell me I was the best thing that happened to him.
I sobbed. Like, what? I wasn’t expecting him to do that. He whispered to my ears “You are stronger now”
I was right there on his chest while he was hugging me tight, sobbing.
I am grateful for the experience. It’s been a while since the last time I cried. Today was one of those days where God once again show me where he was and where he will be in the midst of a felt-like-shaken-world.
And by writing this, if there is someone out there going through something similar, I would like to encourage you to hang in there. There is a time for everything. Believe in God and believe also in yourself 🙂 God has created you for a great purpose. I would be glad to join you to find that.
Thank you for reading.
