It was one gloomy night, Leah had a hard time sleeping. 11:00 pm was usually her lights off but she turned them off earlier like 8:00 pm, hoping she could have a good enough sleep. She was in the corner of her room sitting on the ground, her face covered with her hands, sobbing. She did not know what to do but cry and cry. Her heart was so much in pain, wanting to stop the beat. She was alone, she felt alone. No one seems to understand. She noticed and realized that someone was beside her. She was bigger than her. She knows she’s gonna come, Shadow. Her shadow of fear, anxiety and depression filled the room.
Leah: Why are you here, Shadow?
Shadow: I’ve been with you all along, haven’t you notice? Do you remember when you were at school? You were always scared to speak during recitations even you know the answers of professor’s questions? You barely participate because you are afraid to make mistakes, I was there
Leah: I wanted to give it a try, you know? But I could not. My hands were shaking, I was so shy. I was praying but there were times I participated. I tried..
Shadow: When you were at the laboratory during Science class, you were staring at your classmate. You even whispered I wish I am attractive as her. Every guy looked at her when she entered the room. I was behind you and you suddenly became sad.
Leah: I tried to look in my inner beauty, Shadow. I know I said that, but did I really dwell on it the entire time?
Leah grabbed her phone and went to Google while tears keep falling from her eyes.
Shadow: Yes, you are smaller, you don’t have branded and fancy clothes like they have, you are usually alone and you think too much about how pitiful you are. They looked smart and cool. They never bother to be with you,though because you are so silent, perhaps they think you are boring. I followed you when you sat down in the lobby. I know that you felt alone and miserable. No one dare to care. You will laugh around them but deep inside you were crying wishing you could be like them.
Leah stared typing on google search “What to do when you cry excessively?” . Her eyes are filled with tears, she was breathing heavy. But she managed to tell Shadow, “I know I am not as cool as them but that doesn’t mean I don’t laugh. I have friends too where I can be myself, I am a jolly person. Yes, not to all. I do not show my self to people that easily but when they get to know me, I became vulnerable to them.”
She still cries and this time harder. Shadow will never stop reminding her past and her present. She suddenly misses her old life, her friends in the Philippines. She is currently living in abroad for a better life. She had people there to run to whenever she feels alone and sad unlike in her current situation. She got new friends in new place but she couldn’t let out some stuff to them for some reasons. During her younger years, she felt that she was not “in” at school because she doesn’t do what they do. She is not a party person. After school, she goes home immediately unless it is required to stay longer for projects and school activities. Weekends are her favorite days because she spent time at Christian organization and do church ministries. She loved that. For her, that place is not just a place to worship God but they are her family. She had been through ups and downs with them, they laughed and cried at the same time. They had misunderstanding quite few times, they hurt each other and for them it is normal in any relationship but at the end they still choose to love and accept each other. She knows from her heart that this is the place where she belongs. Her comfort zone.
Leah: “It is not true that I was alone, Shadow.God sent people for me to keep going and get some encouragements when I feel weak. We build each other up. We shared real friendship. It is just happened that I think I have to experience this for a specific reason, I wanted to give u, there is one voice saying to stop and end my life but the other voice is clear and striving and fighting for me. He told me to keep going and never give up. I know it is him who is fighting for me. He says in His Word that He created us uniquely. We are all beautiful”
Shadow: Yeah, but you never believe it. He created you uniquely but did you really embrace that you are unique, special and awesome?
Leah: I did. But there are times, I don’t. Like now..”
Shadow: You are not capable of doing great things. You will be forever like this, afraid to talk to people, no confidence. You will just keep silent all the time, sad and ugly. You are not smart either. You finish your college but you do not believe in your capabilities so, what now? You are not worthy. You are going to be like this every time. You are wasted and a mess.
Why are crying right now, Leah?
Words like..
‘No one understand me’
I am so tired of myself
My career won’t ever grow, I am a mess
I am not worthy
I am not capable
I am not smart,
I am unaccepted
I am unloved
I am nothing but a trash
I want to end this.
I heard these words a lot of times. When you came home, you were with your friends happy, laughing but when you enter your room, these words bouncing in your head. I heard everything. I see everything. You start to dig a hole for negative thought, you never notice that the hole is this big now and you are almost on the ground. I see everything, I was standing behind you.
Leah was reading symptoms of anxiety attack. Every word she read and heard was like a knife stubbing her inmost being, she couldn’t breathe, and she was fighting. She wanted to scream I am crazy, I need a doctor. Someone whispered to her that she needs a doctor. But the other voice saying, you are perfectly fine. You are not sick. You are healed. Finally, she got the courage to stop and remember what had she learned from the Word.
Leah: Shadow, I ask you to leave me. I don’t want to see you and I do not want to hear anything from you. Please leave me. Stop copying me and following me. In fact, it’s dark here why are you still around?
Shadow: You will always see me,Leah. I will be in front, behind and beside you in darkness. As long as that little spark of light in you shines, you will always encounter me, you will hear me all the time, every where when there is a chance. You will still see me in darkness but it is up to you if you will ignore me or not, to fear me or not.
She stood up, Shadow followed her. She stared outside through the window, the night was almost over. It’s almost morning and she did not sleep. The routine happened for months but tonight, she wanted Shadow to stop and leave her.
Leah: When I see you, I will not listen to you. I will not entertain you. You are not real. Everything is a lie. God did not created me for that belief. He promised me a good future.
He said:
I am accepted.
It’s in Christ what we find our who we are and what we are living for. Ephesians 1:11
A new creation
Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new creation. The old life has gone; a new life has began. 2 Corinthians 5:17
I am blessed
The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24
I am cherished
God pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail – even numbering the hairs on your head! Luke 12:7
I am chosen
You are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. He called you out of the darkness into His wonderful light. 1 Peter 2:9
I am designed by God
Body and soul, I am marvelously made. You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Psalm 139:14-15
I am favored
God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:6
I am forgiven.
God forgave all our sins. He canceled the record of the charges against us and took it away by nailing it to the cross. Colossians 2:13-14
I am loved
I am absolutely convinces that nothing — absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.Romans 8:38-39
I am saved
From the beginning God chose you to be saved. 2 Thessalonians 2:13
I am unique
He has made everything beautiful in its time. Ecclesiastes 3:11
I am Victorious
But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:57
Focus on what the Lord told you, gaze in His beauty and when you walk through shadow of death, do not fear for He will be there with you fighting. 🙂
King James Bible
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.Psalm 23:4
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Shine! 🙂 Btw my name is Princess Leah.
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